“A liminal space is the time between the ‘what was’ and the ‘next.’ It is a place of transition, waiting, and not knowing. Liminal space is where all transformation takes place, if we learn to wait and let it form us.” – Inaliminalspace.org
I am a music fanatic
That’s also why I dated music producers I probably shouldn’t have dated
- no attraction to their manhood
- no centered alignment in thinking or in values
If not for my strong attraction to their musical/artistic genius.
They were all very kind though.
I remember crossing the crosswalk one time ahead of my family and collapsing from a seizure mid-crosswalk. I remember a Shoprite in front of me and it was daytime. Was it in the 10th grade? Maybe the 11th? It was sometime in high school.
My dad was a bit behind – he ran to get hold of me. I remember J* didn’t get what was going on or she was slow to react.
Everything was moving by so slowly. When you have seizures things move fast and slow– it’s odd.
I was so tired as a kid trying to be normal and cool.
I was tired in university, trying to be normal and fit in.
I was tired my first year out of college trying to be normal and pretend I was interested in the same things or match the personality people expected in me when they judged my looks.
I am not.
I am weird. Odd. I get shy. I like to bellow out songs when I get to visiting my family all day long. I go mute when I visit family and just play the piano and live in my head for hours on end. I can’t do all this music stuff now because I live in a tiny apartment in New York with sensitive neighbors. I substitute this itch to express and to be artistic with painting now and with my Instagram :).
Out of the norm.
My interests fall out of the norm. My body is out of the norm. My heart’s a little more naive and childlike for a 26 year old. I had a hard time being confrontational with everyone about my needs, my boundaries, outside my sisters and parents until I hit 25.
And that is okay.
Today I am so much more at peace being who I am, meeting people as I am, and meeting myself where I am.
I move forward in harmony and full homeostasis now. I know where I am weak in. I know where I am strong in. I know where my hopes lie, and I know where my soul rests.
July 18, 2019
I had a tough week this past week.
Every day was like carrying a big rock on my back and my chest [emotionally and mentally].
And I couldn’t seem to pinpoint the why.
I had an eventful and fun week, yes and done connected with people I like, and did the things I was supposed to do, but that doesn’t mean I was mentally or emotionally well through and through.
Sometimes, you’ve built good systems and processes and they prevent and protect you from breaking down on a foundational level, but you can still have soul-turmoil at any point in life.
I’m grateful for the friends and the schedule that distracted me from it during the days and into the nights.
Without it, I, human as I am would have gotten sucked down by the gravity of my feelings.
I know now it is the worst to keep myself to myself when I’m heavy in heart or in mind. It’s like encouraging soul-suicide.
It warps everything else. Because the things going inside.. whether the duration is temporary or long term begin to squeeze and alter everything else around– kind of like a cancerous tumor… and they dim you, change you.
But you’ve got to bring in others and keep a community very close (I cannot emphasize this enough) to you that are not occupied with such thoughts. They will, whether you recognize it or not immediately, shed a beam of fulle light into you, when everything else inside is squeezing down and closing in.
Think of community as your armor against an unhealthy, disoriented, frame of reference-stuck mindset.
Think of community as the things that help you breathe.
Give your mind and heart the space to loosen some of the tangles going on. Sometimes, you need to time to let the unconscious process what your conscious mind cannot. (ps, if you want to learn more about this, you can get into neuroscience, and you’ll find your way with the understanding part :))
You can accelerate the loosening of the tangles with help, such as getting personal counsel, looking to friends, and also starting to journal to see how you’re actually processing things.
Or sometimes you’re stuck, and you need to give yourself a day, or two. Maybe you need to let that breathe on its own too before telling it to go and putting an end to it. And that’s okay.
But, put an end to it you must.
In fact, I know what’s been hurting me.
I’ve just been afraid to call it out by name.
This in tandem with my naturally emotions driven self brought forth a very unbalanced, and very unhappy Susan for a lot of my adolescence and into my early twenties. I could be happy and “on,” yes, but I was also severely unhappy.
Here is my 2016 book list of books I’ve carried through completion and thoroughly enjoyed, with random, rambling annotations:
Books with * = well read, well worn, well kept
Books with ** = SUPERSTAR
- *The Unpublished David Ogilvy by David Ogilvy, Joel Raphaelson
- War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy
- Magic Mountain by Thomas Mann: Recommended by my friend Nick McClish; Hans Castorps take on life in a sanitorium is hilarious and may I say, morbidly magical.
- *Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë
- *How Proust Can Change Your Life by Marcel Proust: I bought this at the Strand bookstore for $2 and it opened me up to the world of Proust. Guys, $2 + tax can indeed change your life for the better.
- *In Search of Lost Time: Swann’s Way by Marcel Proust: This book changed my life, but if you are a grammar N*** or someone who considers brevity a virtue, then this is not that life-changing book for you.
- *Bible (NIV): For my spiritual and moral feeding – I hold this very close to my heart, always, for the truth of the Lord breeds the purest of love, knowledge, kindness, goodness, forbearance, joy, and peace.
- ** Leonardo’s Notebooks edited by Anna Suh: my eyes were burning from the amount of manuscript notes I had to read that he created; can you believe that someone with a non-classical education has over 20,000 notes in total of mind-blowing studies and findings found through sheer observation and experimentation? Wowzers.
- Chaos Monkeys by Antonia Garcia Martinez: hilariously scathing, and very tell-all by nature, a book on the going ons of the SV tech world from the eye of one man who managed to get acquired by or work for some top companies. A peer and Director of Salesforce who I recently met told me this is much like the HBO series: Silicon Valley, so for those who liked watching that, you ought to take a chance on this.
- The Prince by Niccolo Machiavelli: I never got to read this in school, but all of a sudden I had the urge to read this now and on Machiavelli’s thoughts on acquiring, conquering, managing, and losing principalities/power/people. Pretty relevant, I’d say.
- The Prodigal God by Timothy Keller: talks a lot about the moralistic brothers of the church vs. brothers who’ve gone wild and then returned to the folds of God – really cool and enlightening read on the hypocrisy of institutions like religion and even more importantly, why it’s even more necessary to stay steadfast in your faith in God.
- **Barbarian Days: A Surfing Life by William Finnegan: I had been exposed to surfing this year through a man I loved, and naturally became curious as to the intensity of adoration felt for this specific hobby by him and by many other friends. Finnegan explains the surfing life perfectly, and I am totally hooked – theoretically speaking.
- *Blood, Brains, and Beer: Autobiography by David Ogilvy
- **Northanger Abbey by Jane Austen: recommended by my friend David Kong. I enjoyed it and as a Jane Austen fan, really glad I got to read another stellar work of hers!
- Ein Mein Manifesto by Eric Jarosinski
- **Deep Work: Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World by Cal Newport
- Algorithms to Live By by Brian Christian and Tom Griffiths: My older sister had this on her Audible.
- So Good They Can’t Ignore You: Why Skills Trump Passion in the Quest for Work You Love by Cal Newport: because I enjoy reading Cal Newport’s blog and was deeply changed by his book Deep Work. This is an earlier book of his, and I have noticed that his prose here is not so pithy, but still to the point. It serves its purpose.
- **Team Genius: The New Science of High-Performing Organizations by Michael Malone and Rich Karlgaard: because I wanted to make the company I worked in at the time better.
- Thrive: The Third Metric to Redefining Success and Creating a Life of Well-Being, Wisdom, and Wonder by Arianna Huffington
- The Unbearable Lightness of Being: Recommended by my dear friend, Victoria Wong! It’s one of her favorite books. Funny story: There was a time when I was quoting this book, and a friend had asked me who the author was, when I replied, “Mila Kunis” with the sureness of a cock. I was deservedly embarrassed.
- Nudge: Improving Decisions About Health, Wealth, and Happiness by Richard H. Thaler, Cass R. Sunstein
- Who Needs the Fed by John Tamny: I picked this book up because my younger sister works at the Fed, and I am always down to read a book that will enlighten me more on the activities of loved ones.
- Virtual Billions: The Genius, the Drug Lord, and the Ivy League Twins Behind the Rise of Bitcoin by Eric Geissinger: The book in its entirety wasn’t engaging, but the first couple chapters were amazing in detailing the foundations of Bitcoin & its network, and the influencers * all the the ants involved in this crypto currency ecosystem.
- The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane: written for the layman, it reinforces wise mental hacks that are necessary to live both in optimism and be successful.
- Get What’s Yours: The Secrets to Maxing Out Your Social Security by Laurence J. Kotlikoff: A book picked up in an effort to aid my parents when they become of age.
Things I’ve started or am looking to read in 2017!:
The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien: I’m reading this one to get to know my younger sister better. She is a big fan of Tolkien.
The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoyevsky: I’ve only read the first few chapters, and so far the story lines of the characters introduced and families are absolutely ACE! The complexity! The depth! The scandal! Recommended by my good friends: Sewon Yang and Max Heering.
Leonardo da Vinci: The Marvellous Works of Nature and Man by Martin Kemp
I wish the world the biggest growth it’s seen yet this 2017.