My tongue locks in and pulls toward the back of my throat
My face feels like it slacked
Fingers involuntarily jerk
Footsteps slow to a slothish pace
for some seconds.
Nobody notices, but me.
I christen my version of having epilepsy at age 26 as Seizure Lite ®
Any version of seizures improved from what I experienced in middle school, high school, university years, and a bit into my first job out of university is O.K. by me. It’s like dealing with 2% alcohol after a lifetime of having 45proof. Easy peasy. We’re feeling GOOD. Feeling Grateful. Sometimes even a little glorious.
I look back to when I was going through some really tough times. I was having a rough night and my best guy friend at the time, Mark [in what I suppose was an attempt to make me feel better] sent me a bunch of Youtube videos of goats that looked like they were having seizures (although said goats actually have a condition called myotonia congenita – you can search the term fainting goats if you’re curious) . I laughed so hard. First, laughed because I was shocked that he’d send that to me. Then, I laughed out my sorrow, laughed at the ridiculousness of the goats and their planked legs, and laughed at the us back then: him chilling in his room with his awesomely athletic build, and me with a machine strapped to my head, a convoluted mess of my emotions, wires, and some kind of crazy industrial glue. We were Skyping each other in a situation that I can only look back to now with mainly love and gratitude.
One of the things that has gotten me through things like these and other hardships is the love.
I’ve been blessed with an abundance of love, and I have been and am the recipient even now of frequent and casual expressions of love from people I am intimately close with and people that don’t know me very well at all.
Perhaps it is a large part of the reason for why I am as resilient, optimistic, and hopeful as I am.
Well-fed is the word.
If you’re dealing with anything: worries, insecurity, seizures, illness, a miscarriage, shadows of past trauma or hurt, cancer [the list goes on and on…], know that you are stronger than you think. And it will all pass. Maybe not in the way you’d like it to, but *it* (insert your own narrative here) will all pass.
I don’t know you, but I see you. And I just want to say… that I love you from the bottom of my heart.
man, it feels good to call fear out by its name.
I’m excited to live the best episodic life there is as the beautiful and and irreplaceable woman and human that is me.
What’s holding you down that you’re going to rise victorious over today?
Baby steps are okay; After all, it took me a decade of baby steps to reach where I am now. And I am very happy with it all, I must say.
Stream of Conscious written down as I continued on, sometime after a tiny seizure on my way home from work. June 27, 2019, sometime after 7pm