5:07pm, Friday, July 12, 2019

Another crazy day

 

I wake up tired and sleep tired every day.

 

But the thing is,

I feel like I’m meant to be exactly where I am; I’ve never been in so much flow and so present. 

Even crazier

that– isn’t it. 

Crossing the Crosswalk, Doing the Life Walk

My tongue locks in and pulls toward the back of my throat

My face feels like it slacked

Fingers involuntarily jerk

Footsteps slow to a slothish pace

for some seconds.

 

Nobody notices, but me.


I christen my version of having epilepsy at age 26 as Seizure Lite ®

Any version of seizures improved from what I experienced in middle school, high school, university years, and a bit into my first job out of university is O.K. by me. It’s like dealing with 2% alcohol after a lifetime of having 45proof. Easy peasy. We’re feeling GOOD. Feeling Grateful. Sometimes even a little glorious.

I look back to when I was going through some really tough times. I was having a rough night and my best guy friend at the time, Mark [in what I suppose was an attempt to make me feel better] sent me a bunch of Youtube videos of goats that looked like they were having seizures (although said goats actually have a condition called myotonia congenita – you can search the term fainting goats if you’re curious) . I laughed so hard. First, laughed because I was shocked that he’d send that to me. Then, I laughed out my sorrow, laughed at the ridiculousness of the goats and their planked legs, and laughed at the us back then: him chilling in his room with his awesomely athletic build, and me with a machine strapped to my head, a convoluted mess of my emotions, wires, and some kind of crazy industrial glue. We were Skyping each other in a situation that I can only look back to now with mainly love and gratitude.

One of the things that has gotten me through things like these and other hardships is the love.

I’ve been blessed with an abundance of love, and I have been and am the recipient even now of frequent and casual expressions of love from people I am intimately close with and people that don’t know me very well at all.

Perhaps it is a large part of the reason for why I am as resilient, optimistic, and hopeful as I am.

Well-fed is the word.

If you’re dealing with anything: worries, insecurity, seizures, illness, a miscarriage, shadows of past trauma or hurt, cancer [the list goes on and on…], know that you are stronger than you think. And it will all pass. Maybe not in the way you’d like it to, but *it* (insert your own narrative here) will all pass.

I don’t know you, but I see you. And I just want to say… that I love you from the bottom of my heart.


man, it feels good to call fear out by its name.

I’m excited to live the best episodic life there is as the beautiful and and irreplaceable woman and human that is me.

What’s holding you down that you’re going to rise victorious over today?

Baby steps are okay; After all, it took me a decade of baby steps to reach where I am now. And I am very happy with it all, I must say.

 

xSoo

 

Stream of Conscious written down as I continued on, sometime after a tiny seizure on my way home from work. June 27, 2019, sometime after 7pm

My Color of Feminism

Many of you know that I’m a woman and some of you know that I identify as a feminist, but very little of you know what color of what I mean by when I say I’m a feminist.

It means I am pro supporting myself and other women about the choices they make in their life, and in the idea that there should be no barriers to fulfilling these choices because of our identified gender from any other forces outside of factors of the natural.
My color of feminism:
It means, I don’t want you telling me it’s not a dream I can have to be a mom and fantastic wife. Because for me, Susan, it is the greatest career and life accomplishment to have. Again, emphasis on For. Me.
It also means, I don’t want you calling me honey, when you’re not speaking to me out of respect respect, but to typecast.
It means, I don’t want you devaluing my efforts or the work or community I represent because I’m a woman.
It means I don’t want others to take stock of my natural femininity or my sometime docility/diminutiveness or built in physical “weaker-ness” to confirm their bias of seeing me as weak or “not built” for certain things.
It means, being neighbors and friends and collaborating in partnership, in friendship, and love with all people who identify as men to further our mutual and independently “gender-associated” goals.
It means not having other genders tell me what I can’t do or can do, should do or should not do, and this includes my own.
That’s the color of feminist I am.