Grief

I’ve known seeing someone I love point a kitchen knife to their neck, to their belly.

I’ve known being choked to the point the still lights above me started glimmering and dancing.

I’ve known saying no feebly in my drugged stupor so many times as he tried to take off my bra.

I’ve known engaging in meaningless sex to drown out pain

I’ve known the persistency of the pain of feeling unloved, rejected, abandoned that resided and was rooted in with my soul.

I’ve known denial.

I’ve known the sounds of police cars and the cold, professional voices of inquisitors.

I’ve known measuring the bicep of my arm with the circle formed between my index finger and my thumb to make sure I did not get any bigger— “the only thing I could control”.                                       I laugh.

I’ve known the hollow crevices of walls and floor-beds where I laid with my back, wanting to sink in until I disappeared.

I’ve known crying tears and screaming loud, bellowing out versions of sounds I no longer remember–not human, not animal– wanting it all to go away.

 

I’ve known.

Visiting my Dad in Nashville for the first time.

My dad and I didn’t talk for nearly two years when the divorce was officially about to come into action on the legal side. Prior to that, we barely saw each other, and it was complicated.

I still remember the first day we tried we tried to meet again. It was while I was still working at Barneys New York. Winter. We met at dinner in Koreatown. I was beyond nervou, kind of like how I was this time– for different reasons though. I saw him then, and I burst out crying. I couldn’t stop crying all throughout dinner. I was so happy ad so confused. I think my dad was too.

This weekend, there was a semblance of stability, and a bit of real, solid, long interactions of healthy emotion.

I’m happy to see our relationship developing in new ways, and in loving, healthy ways.

I can’t compare it to the past, because it is not anything like the past. The relationship I had with my dad then was nothing I wish for a child.

I am grateful to be getting back the years we lost.

This weekend was a great weekend.

I write this, because I am a living testimony of what happens when you choose radical openness and vulnerability, and you choose love and healing and looking for the ONWARDS as your targeted outcome over anything else.

Trust me on this. No two experiences are ever the same, I know :). And I will never understand fully what you went through or are going through, but I’ve been through it all in my own unique way with the pops.

I’m with you. I see you. Look at love. Explore God. I believe he is the only one who will ever understand the depths of our souls, for I believe he created them.

At some point, you just have to stop focusing on the brokenness and look at what you can start mending.

God is good.

Written on 9.25.2019

Bises,

Soo

My Prayer

Our Father In heaven, hallowed be your name,

God, you are good.

You have always, been good.

I’m grateful to see it now.

Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

God, there’s a lot of people hurting right now.

The corrupted are running unbound / absolute skepticism replacing hope

God, bring heaven onto earth. Restore and redeem us, victims of our own brokenness and the brokenness in the world we collectively contribute to.

Give us today our daily bread.

God, as I continue my work day, guide me in the knowledge and deep, deep understanding that this is not my work.

Help me with your all-good heart to separate myself from my ego, as far away I can.

Feed me your love, vision, hope, and healing for this world and your children

Let me sustain and live and breathe with that.

And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.

More than the mistakes and errors I am conscious of and willingly confess I ask forgiveness for the sins I do not know [yet] I commit: the hurt I incur on others, intentional or unintentional, and the pride/actions I wield not for your glory, but for mine– not in service of love, but in service of love centered on self.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

God, I thank you for protecting my family.

I thank you for protecting my heart and refining it in a way that I can see that it has not yet broken. Lots of cracks, yes. But cracks have brought fortification, not brokenness.

I pray for your protection that I do not stray, that I stay fixed. I pray for protection from the external, but I pray most of all for protection against the wanderings of my soul.

 

 

I love you God.

Thank you God.

You are good, God.


Reflection with Psalms 65

I pray that my satisfaction “in the goodness of your house” is such that I no longer desire a taste of anything else.


Psalms 65 quote that jumped out to me in this moment, a reflection of purity and joy:

“The pastures of the wilderness overflow, the hills gird themselves with joy,

the meadows clothe themselves with flocks, the valleys deck themselves with grain,

they shout and sin together for joy.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Accompanied by Music

Evening Meditations

What’s going on inside:

Gentle waves

Lapping at the edges of my heart

Warming it

Softening it

Feathering it /

God 

Love /

 

What’s going on outside (sight)

Me at the feet of a beach shore

Head down in between my knees

Crying

There is so much joy

He is pleased

He tells me he is pleased /


One day at a time

For every 10 bad days

I hold onto the one good day

For every 3rd bad day, I hold onto the one good day

For every 77th bad day, I’ll hold onto that one good day /

As Annie Dillard sagely said, “how you spend your days… is how you spend your life.”

I will choose to live mine spending it in gratitude.


When you realize we were all/

are all trying our best

You begin to resent a little less

Love a little more.

 

8.22.2019

Measuring Myself Today

Health:
Physically, I’m in pretty good shape. I’ve been trying to work out almost every other day, and it really helps me wash out the negativity and the mind wormholes I get into pretty often as someone with a head that has trouble not thinking. While being in shape is important, the need to exercise for me I feel comes mostly from the endorphins and relaxation (rewards!) I feel from getting an engaging workout in and having it demand all my physical and mental attention. It quiets my thoughts, and I really love that.
Food wise, I haven’t been eating healthily and I need to change that. I’m pretty tired from work most of the time, so I need to make sure I’m not eating foods that support lethargy or a weakening of the immune system.
I’m also struggling a lot with memory. Short term and some long term memories are really joggy and it’s getting concerning. At first I thought it was because I’m all over the place, and I’m just someone who needs to implement check lists, plan and such in very concrete, written ways. But I’m beginning to think it’s not just that. I keep forgetting things at an alarming frequency. Something to address and commit to going to a doctor for before it gets worse.
Physically also, I’ve been exploiting my youth by running on a bad foot for a while. The fractures keep recurring, the pain never goes away, and yet I’m still running. A conversation with a physical therapist last weekend really woke me up because she warned me that while my body is giving me all it’s got now, it won’t ever do that as I age, and that this could quadruple into a really serious issue if I’m not proactive and don’t make the decision to stop running as I’ve avoided so now. It hurts my young self: my passion and love for the rush of BREEZE I feel when running, experiencing nature at that kind of speed, and my pride as a 26 year old woman, but I need to work on being okay with stopping.
Work:
Work is pretty intense. I’m realizing more and more in hindsight that there were and are parts that are more intense and hard for me, as I’m still struggling a bit with resisting the unbalance that comes with being entrepreneurial. I kept fighting it. and I’m starting to come to terms with the fact that I’m supposed to be sitting alongside the minion that is crazy startup life and embracing it. Not all of it, but some of it. And that my understanding and personal definition of what it means to be “balanced” is a little rigid and maybe open to revision. It’s crazy hilarious and exasperating just how much I’m resisting the startup life. It’s perhaps very foolish of me. A developing thought, and not a belief yet, but sharing nonetheless. Business this early stage is also not going well at any point in time, and as a small company it’s hard to take the gains and losses of the company at arm’s length. Everything hits me.
I need to mentally be there, in that everything I am doing is understood [by me] that it was the best I could do at every given moment, with the best interests in mind and that I need to be better at bouncing back, being more openminded, and adapting even more so when the variables and circumstance change around me.
In terms of network and and professional life, things are going really great. I’m coming into my own as a professional and as an individual who is really curious, has a lot of things to say and craves deep connection. I’m continuously building upon and defining this multi-faceted, yet-to-be-determined creature that is my public self. I’ve been freelance modeling, started lecturing as a guest lecturer at NYU, consulted a few consumer brands, and advocating for mental health & my main work, ATEM. Life is very good on that front, and it’s amazing being part of a new tribe that’s full of many beautiful, bright, and well-meaning people, and thick in with the entrepreneurial, founder, business-women & men community.
Love:
The love is great. Not without some bumps and minefields thrown onto the plane I live in, but man is it great:
My love for God is amazing right now and rising.
My family, as colorful as our dynamics are, is trending up in the most beautiful, and wholesome ways I’ve never seen!
My romantic experiences, while colorful [in part to my overthinking myself], have been wonderful in their own ways, and I’m growing and learning more about myself: exploring the good sides, examining the needing improvement sides, and am interfacing and growing to know, see and share in the promise of love with someone that I believe and am grateful I have such a natural connection to.
Friendships are great. I’ve really seen this arena defining itself in the past 2 years and friendships are sifting and solidifying in their places as I feel they should be. There is the constant influx of new and old characters of course, and navigating that and my changing feelings and our changing positions is sometimes verging on the disorienting (hello people pleaser Susan, but short on time and life Susan), but this sphere’s developed into something that’s very much a solid ecosystem of peoples that are very loving and awesome and just solid, solid, lovable, trustworthy friends.
Play:
Play for me from experience (and I only have twenty-some years of this thing, experience) is doing or seeing something very creative or emotionally provocative.
That usually means for me seeing art, going to see an opera, being in some very high-nature habitat, maybe going horse riding? (it’s on my bucket list, I’ve never done it!!).
Reading is for certain for pleasure, but most recently I’ve been reading a lot to learn with the intention of helping myself develop as a professional and in more public facing contexts, and I’ve not honestly been allowing myself to pick up much reading for sheer “valueless” (whatever that means) pleasure . Learning though is a direct pleasure channel for me, so this is a little murky. I love to read to learn. But I suppose the topics I would be reading on would slightly change if I was only reading this past season for sheer pleasure. I would be less focused [by my nature] in my choice of subject matter, and would be reading anything from surfing, to horseriding, to vinoculture, to wines in Paso Robles, to the history of an art I have my eyes newly fixed on, to reading on photography, to reading on sculpture making, to reading all the books I have in my personal reading to do list, and rereading Jane Austen on replay over, and over, and over again.
As Bill Burnett and Dave Evans define it in Designing Your Life, play eliminates any and all consideration of “work” that is colored even with a drop of something that is not pure joy:
“Play is all about joy. If you observe children at play, you will see the type of play we are talking about. Play is any activity that brings you joy when you do it. It can certainly include organized activity or competition or productive endeavors, but when those things are done, “for the joy of it” they are play. When an activity is done to win, to advance, to achieve– even if it’s fun to do so– it’s not play. It may be a wonderful thing, but it’s still not play. The question here is what brings you joy purely in the doing.”
While work has required me to pull down on the play, I’ve managed to stay really committed to a really concentrated number of “play” activities I consider my top most priorities and most consistent sources for sheer Susan joy: reading, nature, and art 🙂
In an ideal world, I’d like to have even more leisure to explore more and see if other play activities would actually bring me more pleasure, but unfortunately exploration does require new commitment and more time allocated to things that are uncertain and at best to be determined in their joy-value adds in my life.  At least for now 🙂 And that’s okay.

Desirable Traits

I’ve written down a list of traits I find most desirable in a human:

Discretion

Understanding

Uprightness

Love

Faithfulness

Discipline

Righteousness

Wisdom

Humility

A study of these and I find I have much to improve on.

It’s easy for us to forget these most important things when the things we chase after for which we can see the end result/return more easily/tangibly start to consume us.

Better to write them down, imprint them on your skin, sear them in your heart, then to forget and find yourself lost in the chase.

The chase is long. And the human race has proven time and time again that it’s a gigantic, messy blob prone to dissatisfactions, strivings, and wanderings.

It’s good to re-evaluate regularly what you are about, who you are, and why you are pursuing the things you are pursuing.

It would be a pity if you found yourself at the long tail of a track some day… having run all your life… having forgotten the why.. so far away from the person you initially dreamed you’d be.

Perspectives Global: A Young Streetwear Brand with a 2,000 Year Old Message.

US label Perspectives Global, a streetwear brand founded in 2012 by brother duo Cody and Devon de Jardin takes the phrase “the medium is the message” seriously.

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Check out their brand here and let me know if you’re seeing what I see.

In their most recent campaign the talented duo took direct inspiration from one of the oldest books in the world, the Bible, to send a message of strength, resilience, and endurance:

“Therefore we will not fear, though the Earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart o the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.” – Psalms 46: 2-3

We are in a world full of turmoil, whether we choose to acknowledge it wholly or not– it is present through the never ending flow of class and racial strife, international tension, hurting children, and civil conflicts in institutions.

More and more, young, talented designers are harnessing the power (and influence) of their strong visual narratives and their brands in a deliberate attempt to forge renewed meaning and send out messages to a sentient generation.  Likewise, the Jardin brothers speak to their observances of a reality full of brokenness and of distractions– in which it’s become easy to stay “blind to the darkness, pain, and injustice all around the world,” in their SS17 campaign.

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Life doesn’t always have to be about religion, about what you believe, or what you stand for, but it makes it a little more worthwhile living, if you do make it about that, don’t you think? Nevertheless, it feels great to see fashion brands standing for something beyond escapism and creative inspiration.

Asides from supporting their great vision, I’m also a big fan of the brothers’ activewear merchandise, namely the Katakana and Future Lite jackets.

Their lifestyle oriented outerwear is a an eye-catching alternative for you if you’ve exhausted your options with Patagonia, The North Face, Columbia, Marmot, Adidas and Arc’Teryx.

Check out the styles here:

 

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Future Lite Track Jacket

 

Yours,

Soo