Flow

I *think* poems in the car

On the toilet seat

At the opening of my sleep

Because

I don’t really know why

For some reason these places conduct (produce) flow

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Nothing

The joy of

Being able to hold hands for the longest time with someone you love

Even as it seems still like borrowed time

And you know [on Monday] you’ll part

To freeze time

I would

 

What I would

Do

 

What I would do

To turn back time

To do it all over again

Even if we were to make the same mistakes

Say the same words

Do the same things

What I would do to see \italicize{that} smile [I cannot remember] 4 inches from my face

 

4.15.2019

The first half is about familial love

The second half is about romantic love

I wrote it on the ride back from The Berkshires as I was cherishing the last moments of holding Joanne’s hands in the backseat of the car with Mom driving and Jocelyn sitting up front.

Until the next time.

I miss mom already. 

This trip wasn’t restful, as there were so many things I was recovering from, and other unsettling things coming in anew. It was cathartic. That is the most accurate word.

It is well.

God is good.

January 30, 2016

There’s a 124 year old bath house in the East Village called the Shvitz, that Manhattanites and Brooklyns frequent, and something that now I am bent on trying. It is closer than the one I go to.

Elon Musk just bought more shares of Tesla [Roughly 20%]…Can we… too? Time to bring my little Robinhood out from hibernation.

Apparently, when you reach your full retirement age, 66, and apply for your Social Security benefits: if you have a partner, it is better to apply, and have your spouse process themselves for a spousal benefit… more on my SS learnings later — once I get into a deeper relationship with Laurence Kotlikoff, Philip Moeller, and Paul Solman.

On starting Kundera’s The Unbearable Lightness of Being: Teresza and Sabina are a lot like the Mlle Odette de Crecy of Swann’s Way, and remind me of many, many other women…

Jung says that there are overarching narratives, “archetypes,” that are represented in any kind of story telling and in the narratives playing out and flowing through our world. Those are, as claimed by Christopher Booker in his book, The Seven Basic Plots: Why We Tell Stories: Overcoming the Monster, Rags to Riches, The Quest, Voyage and Return, Comedy, Tragedy, and Rebirth.

There must be a subcategory not far behind that just speaks to: Mistress, or overcoming one’s sex.

You know. That storyline seems to transcend and pervade all kinds of barriers in time and space as well.

And… I just broke my 100 year old Royal Derby China coffee cup 😦 It’s a very sad moment for me. I love collecting older, beautiful, things. They speak to me of times I was not born into and of things past that I can only just barely sense and feel….by collecting and discovering…things like, cups, old papers, old books, seeing old art. Things like my coffee cup are like my little teachers …I must learn to take better care of them.

Little Funny Things I Do To Keep My Mental Health Up, Up & Up

  1. Take the time to tie my shoelaces before slipping my feet into my shoes, instead of slipping them or cramming them in using my thumbs to open up the foot hole.
  2. Manually uninstall Instagram for a couple hours to a full day. I do this regularly to encourage a keeping of healthy, controlled Instagram use. Because I love Instagram! And it’s very apparent to me that I can become addicted to it. It’s like other medias, and I worry that there are others don’t see it as such. Imagine if you were in your 20s watching 4 hours + TV a day and also not sleeping from it. This is a value based opinion, so I’m not suggesting someone is wrong by doing that (and maybe you’re the kind of person who can do everything in 24h and still feel really good with little sleep, etc!). I’m just saying I personally don’t want to watch 4 hours of TV a day as a working woman who has limited leisure time, when I can be using that time to do something like being present with people I love or reading or taking my sleep or what have you.
  3. Like homework, and regardless of how awesome I’m feeling, look up at the sky once after work to remind myself in good AND bad circumstances just how vast, strange, and beautiful the world is and just how small, I, my circumstances, my colleagues and my businesses and all the things like that are in contrast. It gives me added perspective when I don’t need it ( who will complain about that), and that way I have perspective when I do. Perspective that’s built into me like a layer of mental armor.
  4. Go to the gym even when I feel like THE LAST THING I WANT TO DO IS GO TO THE GYM and time is just ticking away and it’s approaching 11pm (the closing time for my gym, I go to Equinox) and even when there’s less than an hour left for me to take my bum off my bed because I literally had rather-ed killing time on my bed scrolling on my phone for an hour instead of going. And somehow, I finally just go. Even it’s for clocking in’s sake and I really can’t handle lifting a weight (because I’m lazy or moody or whatever). I go.
  5. Verbally or mentally ask myself how I am feeling every day to check in on myself. Really check in on my self. Meta, I know. But we’re always pressured to be productive, go zoom zoom zoom, and think while we move etc etc,– I mean how can that encourage positive, smart, reflective thinking in many people? It doesn’t for me. I also started asking this of people I care about instead of saying “how was your day?” when I inquire after them. I find I can get to the source of the things I ultimately care about by asking “how are you,” or “how are you doing,” or “how are you feeling”, instead of asking how was your day? Because with how was your day, someone can just list everything that happened without mentioning once that they’re not doing okay emotionally.
  6. Pray. I pray diligently for all the great things in my life, and am also honest in prayer with the things that are not going in my life, internally or externally. By facing those truths every day and during it as frequently and regularly as I can, I stay away from the threat of encouraging and welcoming untruths or narratives that will contaminate the thoughts of my head and the understandings of my heart.
  7. Reflect, often, often, often. Particularly in regards to my interpersonal relationships. While I do know I have a disposition for thinking in excess, I do think _THINKING_ done in moderation is healthy; I revisit [a little too often perhaps, I don’t know] whether I have any rotten branches (people or things) currently chilling out in my life– this I do very often, like weekly homework. Particular emphasis on people evaluation for me. I am fortunately aware of myself, and I know I immediately engage at a deep emotional level with literally anyone who enters my life and as a conversation with me by even 1 degree. I kind of just open-door myself once I let a new acquaintance in (which can be good, and also bad). I don’t do that “let’s leave the door slightly ajar and stay emotionally aloof internally and then open it 90 degrees” thing. So, when someone negative enters my life, it does make an impact somewhere in my life and my overall wellbeing, even if it doesn’t reflect immediately in the mental compartment.
  8. I eat with intention, which visually manifests itself with me eating more slowly than I naturally would prefer.
  9. I also practice sharing with individuals I trust or have identified have a certain level of authority in wisdom over me on x, y, or z. Sharing is a way to share in my pain and joy with others, but it also helps me 1. measure my life and my thoughts more accurately because there are people that are not experiencing whatever is going on in my head or my heart, which means they can give objective feedback on what I am feeling or experiencing, and also act as mirrors when/if I ever reach the point when I can not perceive things clearly and I am skewing experiences, messages, everything.. and it 2) holds me accountable in the healthy desire to always want to be working on getting to that “the better place”.
  10. Self care, mental health self-care, emotional self-care never stops. There is no ceiling, or at least I haven’t found it and I am a pretty! happy person right now. 🙂

Take care yourself. So you can give proper love to others, so you can give proper love to yourself. How can you love thy neighbor as yourself if you don’t know how to do it yourself? Is the question I ask myself.

 

xSoo

Visiting Jo in Cambridge

This photo is of Joanne and I wrapping up our last night together on campus at MIT.

Joanne is studying for Midterms

I was getting through the book I’m currently reading.

We do a late night of independent reading and get home close to 12 to sleep.


Joanne was under the weather during my visit, so we spent the time cooking, baking, and talking. We rarely touched our phones.

I spent my time here reading and filming Joanne, and tried to keep my head off of work.

Joanne occupied herself with studying, journaling, and trying to memorize Romans 8 and then have me test her on it (… too many times). I sauntered through the rooms of her Cambridge apartment to Romans… woke up to Romans… slept to Romans….

We also had a lovely afternoon of opera listening thanks to Alexa,  and chatting all things classical.

[Joanne wields a much more expansive knowledge of opera than I (I keep mixing up my Bellinis, my Puccinis, *sigh*), although I arguably have the stronger generalist knowledge in classical music as a genre.]

I didn’t know who Maria Callas was and I half expected her to jump up from the bed she was reclining in with her iPad (her study tool) and exclaim: “YOU HEATHEN!”.  I feel with you reading this and you not knowing her, you would think this an exaggerated assumption on my part. It’s really not. This is very much her.

Maybe she wouldn’t exclaim it.

She’d more probably

1. jump sitting up

2. look at me coldly, and

3. pronounce on me in a very matter-of-fact, but utterly damning way, “you heathen”

I laugh writing this on my Amtrak back to the city. This is she.

Joanne is incredibly bright and intense. and cute. and intimidating.. She is both the younger sister that needs my emotional and physical protection, but also admonishes me about my low standards of living (I won’t go into the details) and goes on entire speeches on the decline of good values and manners in today’s society. I chuckle just thinking of her crazy rainbow colored personality.

I paint an odd picture of her with just this anecdote, but if you came to know her, you would love her.

Alright, back to the myriad of product & research files am reviewing.

xSoo