5 Habits I Picked Up in 2019

2019 has been a year: My first brand, ATEM, turned 1 year old, our cosmetics R&D startup is going into our 3rd year, and I turned 27.

In this time and despite my work taking most of my attention on my days (excluding Sabbath, Sundays!), I developed some new habits that have supported my betterment.

1. I started exercising regularly: 3 to 5 times a week!

Result: Exponentially increased physical health, increased mental fortitude (ie. focus), and emotional wellbeing

2. I started flossing daily, after setting up my daily habit tracker in July, 2019: I now floss every day without needing a reminder or a checklist to tell me I have to!

Result: Increased self-control: A developed appreciation for discipline and keeping to some “orders” of the day

3. I started regularly writing down things I am grateful for, or allocating a protected time to visually go down the the things I am grateful for.

Result: Increased mental and emotional wellbeing – rewiring the “space” for automatic negative thoughts to come in to a space for positive, gratitude filled thoughts.

4. I started making my bed more regularly: This is a habit to solidify in 2020 as I still do not keep to the habit.

Result: Increased self-control: A developed appreciation for discipline and keeping to some “orders” of the day

5. I started being more careful and controlled about the things I utter about myself or my life: Saying less “I can’t,” or “I’m not,” and more “I hope,” “I can,” and “I believe.” I hope to continue this habit into this year, and applying this principle as I speak of and to others as well.

Result: Increased mental and emotional wellbeing – rewiring the “space” for automatic negative thoughts to come in to a space for positive, gratitude filled thoughts. As Carl Lentz one said, “change your mind, change your life.”

A habit I would like to change completely in 2020 is not letting my moods dictate my actions as much, particularly in the physical with my waking and sleeping times. I had experienced a season of mild depression, and because of this, it was difficult to get out of bed at times I wanted to on a daily basis over a span of 2 some months. I felt like I was chained to my bed, and sometime woke up feeling like 2 tons of cement were lying atop me and I’d go to sleep again because it felt like too much of a struggle to try to fight it.  During this time, what I lost in time/productivity, I made up for, but this was not great for my overall health. This year, for my wellbeing, I would like to commit to regularly sleeping a number of hours per day, and waking up consistently at an earlier hour of the day. I write these down, as writing my intentions down will incentivize me to action.

 

 

 

 

Taking Inspiration From The Life of Marcus Aurelius’ Father

I want to be “most ready to give way without envy to those who possessed any particular faculty, such as that of eloquence or knowledge…, and he gave them his help, that each might enjoy reputation”

I want to work better to be someone ” who looked to what ought to be done, not the reputation which is got by [man’s] acts.” – Marcus Aurelius

Grief

I’ve known seeing someone I love point a kitchen knife to their neck, to their belly.

I’ve known being choked to the point the still lights above me started glimmering and dancing.

I’ve known saying no feebly in my drugged stupor so many times as he tried to take off my bra.

I’ve known engaging in meaningless sex to drown out pain

I’ve known the persistency of the pain of feeling unloved, rejected, abandoned that resided and was rooted in with my soul.

I’ve known denial.

I’ve known the sounds of police cars and the cold, professional voices of inquisitors.

I’ve known measuring the bicep of my arm with the circle formed between my index finger and my thumb to make sure I did not get any bigger— “the only thing I could control”.                                       I laugh.

I’ve known the hollow crevices of walls and floor-beds where I laid with my back, wanting to sink in until I disappeared.

I’ve known crying tears and screaming loud, bellowing out versions of sounds I no longer remember–not human, not animal– wanting it all to go away.

 

I’ve known.

Visiting my Dad in Nashville for the first time.

My dad and I didn’t talk for nearly two years when the divorce was officially about to come into action on the legal side. Prior to that, we barely saw each other, and it was complicated.

I still remember the first day we tried we tried to meet again. It was while I was still working at Barneys New York. Winter. We met at dinner in Koreatown. I was beyond nervou, kind of like how I was this time– for different reasons though. I saw him then, and I burst out crying. I couldn’t stop crying all throughout dinner. I was so happy ad so confused. I think my dad was too.

This weekend, there was a semblance of stability, and a bit of real, solid, long interactions of healthy emotion.

I’m happy to see our relationship developing in new ways, and in loving, healthy ways.

I can’t compare it to the past, because it is not anything like the past. The relationship I had with my dad then was nothing I wish for a child.

I am grateful to be getting back the years we lost.

This weekend was a great weekend.

I write this, because I am a living testimony of what happens when you choose radical openness and vulnerability, and you choose love and healing and looking for the ONWARDS as your targeted outcome over anything else.

Trust me on this. No two experiences are ever the same, I know :). And I will never understand fully what you went through or are going through, but I’ve been through it all in my own unique way with the pops.

I’m with you. I see you. Look at love. Explore God. I believe he is the only one who will ever understand the depths of our souls, for I believe he created them.

At some point, you just have to stop focusing on the brokenness and look at what you can start mending.

God is good.

Written on 9.25.2019

Bises,

Soo

“Oh Lord, Establish the Work of Your Hands”

“Oh Lord, Establish the Work of Your Hands”

“Standing up from crags and clay
The peaks of earth
In full display
They break the lines
That break the sky
That’s full of life
Full of life

The chaos of creation’s dance
A tapestry, a symphony
Of life himself
Of love herself
It’s written in our very skin”

“To set aside as holy”

Susan, stop thinking about all the things you have to do and all the things you want to do today and tomorrow, and the weekend.

I know you like being in that headspace, but I’m telling you there’s something more greater and worthy of the time in your head, and you’ve got to be still for that.


 

“All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change, at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come out from this ground, at all?”

At the height of my lows, these thoughts were all my mind made space for.

“You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us”

And I held onto the promise of that chorus.

In hindsight, the offer at hand was so much better than “survival”.

God didn’t and doesn’t exist to merely serve as a mechanism for survival or for meeting pressing needs. You are missing out on something great if that’s all you are looking to get or look for in God.

God is so much more than that. It’s like trying to put a rainbow and 300 unicorns in a 5ft x 5ft box. It just doesn’t work that way, the belief in my God, the belief in a Jesus.


Psalms 66 (ESV)

10: “You have tried us as silver is tried”

13-14: “I will come into your house with burnt offerings; I will perform my vows to you that which my lips uttered and my mouth promised when I was in trouble”


Working thoughts:

“Compassion in place of anger”

“Self control” particularly over tongue.

Killing Ego

My Prayer

Our Father In heaven, hallowed be your name,

God, you are good.

You have always, been good.

I’m grateful to see it now.

Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

God, there’s a lot of people hurting right now.

The corrupted are running unbound / absolute skepticism replacing hope

God, bring heaven onto earth. Restore and redeem us, victims of our own brokenness and the brokenness in the world we collectively contribute to.

Give us today our daily bread.

God, as I continue my work day, guide me in the knowledge and deep, deep understanding that this is not my work.

Help me with your all-good heart to separate myself from my ego, as far away I can.

Feed me your love, vision, hope, and healing for this world and your children

Let me sustain and live and breathe with that.

And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.

More than the mistakes and errors I am conscious of and willingly confess I ask forgiveness for the sins I do not know [yet] I commit: the hurt I incur on others, intentional or unintentional, and the pride/actions I wield not for your glory, but for mine– not in service of love, but in service of love centered on self.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

God, I thank you for protecting my family.

I thank you for protecting my heart and refining it in a way that I can see that it has not yet broken. Lots of cracks, yes. But cracks have brought fortification, not brokenness.

I pray for your protection that I do not stray, that I stay fixed. I pray for protection from the external, but I pray most of all for protection against the wanderings of my soul.

 

 

I love you God.

Thank you God.

You are good, God.


Reflection with Psalms 65

I pray that my satisfaction “in the goodness of your house” is such that I no longer desire a taste of anything else.


Psalms 65 quote that jumped out to me in this moment, a reflection of purity and joy:

“The pastures of the wilderness overflow, the hills gird themselves with joy,

the meadows clothe themselves with flocks, the valleys deck themselves with grain,

they shout and sin together for joy.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Accompanied by Music

Morning Meditations_8.16.2019

When you want to have something

The thing you want to attain being a very ambitious goal

There is no way there, except training like an athlete.

No shortcuts


Sleeping to Werther and waking up to Werther:

A lover waking me up to the words of Goethe

What a sonnet to my taste that would be

I’d make him breakfast.

 

8.16.2019