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#StopStaring

Like you men,

If we too took it upon ourselves to start at your penises day and night

 

I image they might shrink to 0 from all the scrutiny.

They’re small enough as they are.

 

*disclaimer* I am not male shaming small penises. A metaphor, this is simply. In ancient history, small penises were considered honorable, and a virtue. More attention was placed to the size of one’s mind and character. Perhaps a recalibration in values in general NY is well overdue.

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Morning Reflections

“Now when he was in Jerusalem at the Passover Feast, many believed in his name when they saw the signs that he was doing. 24 But Jesus on his part did not entrust himself to them, because he knew all people 25 and needed no one to bear witness about man, for he himself knew what was in man.” – John 2:23-25
Because Jesus was well aware that we all, men (all people translated to today’s cultural norms of who is considered a person with full rights), are simple. We run to at the simplest signs of magic, value and treasure (I would say for NY it’s the allure of success, either embodied in someone (people we want to attach ourselves to), or a thing (affluence/cost signaling), etc, and run from when we no longer see the signs. As Niccolo Machiavelli noted too in The Prince (I love this book, because as ruthless as the writer seems, he’s just calling it out: the worst or more accurately, the raw in human nature).
(undeveloped thought: I see this all the time person to person, person to goods, person to business opportunity. We are no better than animals, some parts. At least cattle, wolves.. stick to the herd and follow through.)
We do it all in varying degrees. Even those enlightened to the fact and striving with earnestness not to.
(second undeveloped thought: We also profit from it. Every brand, company, human working in professional context really. We need people to run to us, when we hold up carrots and perceived "treasures")
Ah, the unending fallability of man.

Reality

Having a motorcyle drive into you is never a fun experience but I’m grateful for the experience and the surge of love I felt recalled to feel for certain people and the care I received from others.

Also being able to see our family’s faith tested and see it was strong the night of– all of us leaving it up to God and our prayers and still thinking, “All is good! God is good. All the time.”

Also thankful, because it helped me understand who cared to know whether I was alive or dead (not being literal) and who didn’t.
People who knew and didn’t, I’m not upset – it’s just a matter of fact. And it’s a really good thing to know.

May 5, 2019_Part II

May 5, 2019_Sunday

“No words can express the wonderful love that was shed abroad in my heart. I wept aloud with joy and love… I literally bellowed out the unutterable gushings of my heart.” – Charles Finney

Pretty much how I left church today.

Cried not just because I am seen, which really is how I feel nearly every day now since I opened up to the possibility of there being a real, for me, unconditionally loving and mighty God back in 2014, but because I felt so much overwhelming joy for my Father.

To not just interpret the text of religion, but to experience the reality of religion is life changing, soul-altering.

Found

May 5, 2019_Sunday

To be happy for the rest of my life, no stops–

Not just in me because I’m human – fallible.

I make mistakes, do stupid things. Think stupid things. Desire, the stupid things.

Not in this world because we messed up.

Not in treasures or people, because the treasures go and the people

human

Not in drugs, because they don’t stay

Not in power, because it beckons the artificial

 

I don’t want just stillness, enlightenment, fragmented transcendence, serenity, clarity, purpose.

I’m not asking the impossible, I’m asking for what’s possible.

I want joy,

 

everlasting joy.

May 3, 2019_Friday

I had a tough week this past week.

Every day was like carrying a big rock on my back and my chest [emotionally and mentally].

And I couldn’t seem to pinpoint the why.

I had an eventful and fun week, yes and done connected with people I like, and did the things I was supposed to do, but that doesn’t mean I was mentally or emotionally well through and through.

Sometimes, you’ve built good systems and processes and they prevent and protect you from breaking down on a foundational level, but you can still have soul-turmoil at any point in life.

I’m grateful for the friends and the schedule that distracted me from it during the days and into the nights.

Without it, I, human as I am would have gotten sucked down by the gravity of my feelings.

I know now it is the worst to keep myself to myself when I’m heavy in heart or in mind. It’s like encouraging soul-suicide.

It warps everything else. Because the things going inside.. whether the duration is temporary or long term begin to squeeze and alter everything else around– kind of like a cancerous tumor… and they dim you, change you.

But you’ve got to bring in others and keep a community very close (I cannot emphasize this enough) to you that are not occupied with such thoughts. They will, whether you recognize it or not immediately, shed a beam of fulle light into you, when everything else inside is squeezing down and closing in.

Think of community as your armor against an unhealthy, disoriented, frame of reference-stuck mindset.

Think of community as the things that help you breathe.

Give your mind and heart the space to loosen some of the tangles going on. Sometimes, you need to time to let the unconscious process what your conscious mind cannot. (ps, if you want to learn more about this, you can get into neuroscience, and you’ll find your way with the understanding part :))

You can accelerate the loosening of the tangles with help, such as getting personal counsel, looking to friends, and also starting to journal to see how you’re actually processing things.

Or sometimes you’re stuck, and you need to give yourself a day, or two. Maybe you need to let that breathe on its own too before telling it to go and putting an end to it. And that’s okay.

But, put an end to it you must.


 

In fact, I know what’s been hurting me.

I’ve just been afraid to call it out by name.