Anxious I see you Want to tell you It’s okay But actually You know I don’t know Who am I to say if it will all be okay, in the way you want it to… More
Seen on October 3, 2018, opening day.
The dream is to get paid to think. Or be a professor.
Family is #1. This, a close second.
Experiences of 2018
2. made life long and diverse friendships from my time in California in the summer
3. tested myself as the CEO of my own company– and dealt with and am continuing to deal with the everyday prospect of rejection and personal rejection and observing myself responding to and living these moments, well, or not so well.
4. saw the fruit of my strong relationships with the women in my life
5. revealed a personal long term trauma of mine from childhood to a room of 60+ colleagues and strangers > which unintentionally sparked a wonderful and effective road to recovery, healing, closure, and peace in my life. It was a mixture of owning the experience and being of the age and emotional maturity to really own it. I’ve talked about this trauma to other people before and when I was younger, but I was never “there” emotionally and mentally to free myself from the burden of my experience. This time, it seems I was.
6. actively sought to support, pray for, and aid the people in my life and colleagues I met once or more than a couple times through my work.
7. experienced very little depressive thinking and anxiety
8. had the opportunity to travel and experience the most wonderful new things nearly every month
9. lots of family loss and pain because of health problems + dealing with the painful history my immediate family shares.
10. learned to love my body and myself even more. Not over exceedingly. Just accurately.
11. practiced killing my pride and the areas of my close-mindedness
12. Experienced both the bliss and fortitude of not comparing myself to anyone and the pain of putting myself down or making myself insecure by comparing myself to others throughout intermittent months
Goals of 2019
1. Be a better listener. More actionably, stop interrupting and learn to put pen to paper if my thoughts keep overruling my desire to listen to the other and overwhelming my head and tempt me to interrupt conversation.
Enforce the mindset that a conversation with ANYONE = a precious time to show my appreciation for and understanding of them through LISTENING – action.
2. Stop my pattern of mumbling.
3. Last year to become fluent in French
Take it as a black or white scenario. Winner takes all.
(This kind of harsh mentality might not work for everyone, but I’ve found that for me, when I deal with mental absolutes when setting expectations for myself, I end with half or half + the expectations I set myself. )
4. Be increasingly there for my family members, H, W, J, and J while keeping boundaries for the life and identity that I am uniquely constructing for myself on my own terms.
5. Learn how to say NO – two reasons – 1. protect my wellbeing, and my limited energy (if I keep saying yes, I’ll run myself to the ground) and 2. check bullshit from others as the first sentence is uttered or written. Find a way to stay kind and respond or ignore messages without feeling guilty and without bile to people who seek to take or have an agenda that is not wise or in service to you or others?, or… I feel like there is a wiser way of going about this. But I haven’t come to the answer yet.
6. Have ATEM succeed
7. Work better to protect the marginalized and misunderstood, particularly those with issues I am personally passionate about:
- sexual harassment
- check people, even if they are people who are more powerful than me or men I have a personal attachment to.
- gender discrimination
- grow as a woman who denies expectations prescribed to her present and future (be independent! Be a wife! Don’t be a wife! Don’t quit your job! Quit your job! Be more dependent! Be less dependent!). Grow as a woman who determines what it is to be herself on her own terms. Grow and inspire by example. Currently, it means being secure and proud of the fact that I want to 2. continue doing fulfilling and meaningful work, and 1. [In the future] devote all of my resources to be the best family woman there ever was. I want to have a wonderful husband and I want to have children. I want to devote myself 100% to my partner and am okay with throwing myself 100% to support my partner’s career aspirations (if and when a family exists), so long as when the time comes that I am asked to make a sacrifice, the changes are decided on “together” with the mutual understanding that it was needed not because I am a woman and it’s the responsibility of the woman to fulfill the family rearing needs, but because it was my choice, my honor, and my joy to take that choice for the family; I am 100% supportive of any partner making career changes or stepping back from something for the family as a whole. That is my definition of being a woman and a person on my own terms.
- racial discrimination
- be more vocal in the public sphere and during my day to day commute when I see this happening for example on NY subway platforms.
- domestic violence
- explore and identify projects I might want to get involved in either with my resources with time or finances
- think proactively about the future: while there are not many in my personal network that are married, the numbers will rise with time, and it is important to be diligent and create a strong foundation for my female (not excluding males too) relationships now of openness, compassion, and willingness to listen, so that if the time ever comes these people (or even me) have someone to fall back on and trust or send an SOS too.
- lack of access due to socio-economics – financial/human capital
- immediately actionable: use the professional and personal network I have to nurture and help individuals in the ways I can.
8. Visit my mom in Korea
9. Go back to France. 🙂
10. Find a new system to reincorporate an optimal rate of reading and doing/seeing art (things I love) as I continue to build ATEM – system I continued into 2018 with and worked with throughout the year doesn’t work anymore due to the immense time suck I’ve had with my personal time due to work demands and stress (stress, because when super drained, it is hard to read, even if you do have that hour).
I look forward to the next year.