love letters to a younger self

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love letters to a younger self //
if i could travel time,
i’d tell my younger self how much she was loved.
how perfect she is
how everything will be okay
how much she’ll laugh and smile
how she’ll fall in love
over and over again
how she’ll be surrounded by people that make her grin uncontrollably
how everything will look beautiful to her again
how she’ll come to love her body
how she’ll come to love touch
how she’ll come to love her mind
how she’ll come to love others
how she will become love.

Taking Inspiration From The Life of Marcus Aurelius’ Father

I want to be “most ready to give way without envy to those who possessed any particular faculty, such as that of eloquence or knowledge…, and he gave them his help, that each might enjoy reputation”

I want to work better to be someone ” who looked to what ought to be done, not the reputation which is got by [man’s] acts.” – Marcus Aurelius

Thanks Giving Week(s) 2019

I couldn’t have dreamed of a better holiday weekend for this year.

I am grateful for the close friends and family in my life; I am grateful for all they are and just as they are.

I am grateful for how they keep me– every single day.

They are my angels, “messengers” on this Earth. Angels were messengers of God. I really see the people I am thinking of as I write this currently in my life as those messengers: messengers of joy, of encouragement, or solace, of comfort, of correction and rebuke grounded in love, of entertainment and pleasure when things get rough or dull, of confirmation that sometimes kindred E.T. finger touching like friendships do exist…. my angels.

Is this not something to be unendingly grateful for? To keep and hold fast to.

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Lastly, I am grateful for the healing that’s been observed within my family this past year. It is perhaps what has been most moving in this season of my life. I could not be any less grateful [and lest I forget, this single, answered prayer alone should leave me in a state of permanent gratitude for the remainder of my days].  I am overwhelmed by God’s grace, mercy, and provision in mending broken pieces back together in ways and in an amount of time I could never have hoped for– in ways only he could.

My God is good. I am thankful for the daily reminders he sends to me that his love for me, for my family, for my loved ones is unending– in hardship and in prosperity.

 

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“I’ve walked among the shadows You wiped my tears away And I’ve felt the pain of heartbreak And I’ve seen the brighter days And I’ve prayed prayers to heaven from my lowest place And I have held the blessings God, you give and take away”

What I Want at 27

The older I get, the more I realize all I really want more of from life is good *health* (wellbeing/wellness) for my family, my self, my friends, and my people [the universe].

Less, the accolades

Less, the hotness

Less, the cool spots.

Less, the performance records

Less, the bells and whistles.

… and I just want to keep learning to understand what this unfolding desire mean for me.

In these little moments of clarity, I see my desire for the remaining years of my life on this Earth in its purity.

I’m far away from this pristine picture, but I’m getting there.

 

 

December 1, 2019

One positive side effect of having been poor, is that you end up pretty much grateful for all the good fortune that follows after.

It doesn’t matter if it’s the daily occurrence following that takes the form of a normal meal, or a meal at the top restaurant in the world. You are grateful for it all. You are also marginally affected by the grandeur of it all. For fortune is fortune, and hopefully in the midst of your trials and your passing through, you found that happiness, lasting happiness, springs from somewhere else.

This applies to other manifestations of poverty:

poverty in spirit

illness

broken relationships

chronic automatic negative thoughts

hardship

//

The difference in perception from having known or not known the having and the have-notting is vast.

 

Becoming: Things I Started To Do and Things I Stopped Doing in 2019.

2019 is the year I started making my bed every day, not bringing junk [food] to my bed, flossing every day, exercising regularly, saying no more consistently to relationships and activities that are foolish or unhealthy for me, saying yes to healing over bitterness in relationships, choosing more whole foods over dank foods, setting boundaries with things, acquaintances, friends, and loved ones, and keeping regular lists of items and things I’m grateful for at top of mind.

2019 was also the year I let go of a life dream that was very important to me, I stopped letting the status of my health determine my happiness, I stopped trying to please everyone at the expense of my happiness and wellbeing, I loosened the hold pride has on me, particularly in asking for help–the severity of which was realized when I was hit by a motorcycle in May and observed myself refusing anyone, friends’ and co’s offer to help at the site of the accident and during my recovery, I let go of “cool friends that make me look cool”, but make me rot inside, I let go of the hold financial security has on my emotional security and happiness, and I finally gave room for all my trauma to breathe so I can now watch it wither in the light of being known.

2020 will be a year of me creating and bearing an influx of seeds and fruit, of no longer apologizing for things I shouldn’t be apologizing for, of being more consistent in my values, and being more consistent in my nos and my yeses, having the self-control to lift myself up in wholeness and dignity, of being more focused, of more of seeing people for who they are rather than what do they do/look like/come from/or have, of being more involved in works of justice and mercy, and of championing good works unabashedly.

I envision

A strong, but young sapling, growing into something a little more. Things withering, falling off to the ground, and other parts strengthening and thickening. Trunk strengthening, branches complicating. And then there will be a great flowering. 🙂

 

I feel like next year will be a year that will be full of a great flowering for me: full of a lot of creating and giving. I hear the rumble of a great personal awakening. I don’t know what it looks like, but I feel it, deep in my soul.

What will your year look like?