I look forward to the next year.
I look forward to the next year.
How quickly pleased
Happy when fed
Ruthless when led [by hunger]
…. but we mightily try
Praise for what?
Petty, fickle, humans
A couple nights ago, I read a great article called Battling Entropy: Making Order of the Chaos in our lives. Writer and thinker Shane Parrish writes on what that means and the full ramifications of it in our world.
I find myself revisiting it today as a morning exercise of sorts and applying it to some current situations in my life.
It’s not being pessimistic, it’s being pragmatic. When you search and connect with the reality of how the world really works you are also better prepared and expecting.
At age 26 and as an entrepreneur, I’m still worrying about how I will be financially independent in the sustainable sense for the long game. Do I keep doing what my heart tells me to do, or do I one day make the decision to choose a stable job that affords me compound savings at an office job?
I am saving pennies on the dollar now, and I can be saving dollars and mucho moola on the dollar if I worked in something else.
I understand that without considerably added effort as an entrepreneur and with good fortune, this will only lead to entropy (in financial resources, in personal and time capital, etc.), so I need to set firm guidelines for myself, for how long I am taking this passion project for the ride and what milestones or goals I will set it against in order to validate sustaining my efforts in it.
At age 26, I have osteoporosis. That has resulted in me getting foot pain or fractures regularly, and I’ve also had to retire from many sports and activities that I never expected to have retired from at this age.
It’s frustrating, but I understand it’s just an early realization for me on my part that this body will only continue to degenerate as you age. There will be arthritis, there will be osteoporosis, there might be some disease, and you will most certainly start losing collagen & elasticity and develop fine lines on your forehead in your twenties. However, this does not mean I should just rest. Resting only encourages more entropy. To keep the body sharp is to keep the mind sharp is to keep the life sharp.
Sharp as a well made kitchen knife. Mhm.
Whatever effort humans put into regenerating the body is an effort of pure science, bullish effort, and going against nature. It’s quite impressive, thinking of all of it actually.
From age 18 to my early 20s, I had the tendency to not want to create deep, personal relationships. For me, what I had was enough, and the immense effort required to sustain human relationships with often very irrational people just seemed like such a high cost for me, and I didn’t want to put the effort in. It was better I thought to invest in my work, my passions, and myself. Engage with others, but keep a distance. Don’t get too close. At least introspection with the self was certain to result in some kind of fruit. This was a shortsight, as I realize now that forming and working really hard to maintain authentic relationships with people are one of the greatest investments I can make in my life. Human relationships counteract all forms of entropy: mental, emotional, professional, etc.
For those having trouble with developing relationships, or with little interest in developing any: Yes, people can disappoint you, yes they might not be the most intellectually stimulating people in the world, yes, they can be unreliable, but so am I, and so are you. And I’d still like to say I’m worth the effort and worth getting to know. There are fruits to be seen and revealed, through me, by you or some other person who enters my life. So I guess I’d apply the same for you.
I’ve experienced entropy at its max in this category. I’ve grown up out of a very troubled home, and what was considered “family” was breaking down at a Nitro rollercoaster steep rate from my middle school years. I saw what happens when there is no effort put in, or when the only effort put into the family unit encourages further dissolution and entropy.
However, through this experience, I’ve also seen what incredible things can happen in the re-building if you seek to counteract entropy. It requires double, no triple, the effort.
My experience has brought my current family closer and we are more vigilant as a family in some ways. We are exceedingly careful to not say or do some things that would harm our relationship with the other. There is a foundational, rigid, understanding of what we must not do or entertain in our current romantic relationships and for our future relationships. And we’re aggressive with building, building, building. Building new ways and systems to affirm one another, to show we appreciate one another, to show we love one another.
With my romantic relationships I tend to take a one man stance. Considering 1. my subscription to this idea of chaos and disorder naturally developing (emphasis on natural order) as time goes on in every aspect of our lives and our world and 2. all I know about myself and my emotional and physical capacity as a human-woman, I just don’t think I can go on living life attaching myself to and emotionally engaging with more than one romantic interest at a given time. If the aim is to build and not to break-down, the effort involved in romantic relationships cannot be optional, but required. I believe this effort should begin at earlier stages of getting to know someone, not when there is a “are we…” talk. Getting to know someone at my convenience only, or not showing I care when I don’t really care at the early stage of a relationship is possible– my every right– and also comfortable, but in the end what does that lead to? What can all that lead to? There’s the chance that you might fall in love and I have seen many friends who are in wonderful, wholesome relationships which resulted from a start of the more casual or poly- sort. But it entertains a whole lot more chance. And I guess this all goes down to who I am as a person again. I don’t care for welcoming chance.
1 part Pretense
1 part Earnestness
Bubble. Smooth. Leaven.
Add new voices.
Holding onto the promise and truth that my God makes beautiful things out of dust.
I just overheard a couple in the elevator of the building shaming a colleague of mine whom I’ve come to respect for asking them to key into the office building– as one should. The woman (1/2 couple part) was furious that this person (who often mans the reception desk) asked her to key her card when she knows she works at the building and sees her dog come in all the time.
Now, granted, the perks of professional or personal camaraderie can be awesome (and I love to sneak in without keying my card– I’m lazy and being lazy in a stealth way is awesome in my personal opinion), but they’re a bonus– in the end of the day you have earned nothing, done nothing to warrant your feeling of deserving or expecting such perks. Just because you’ve familiarized your dog with the building’s zone or peeing areas doesn’t mean you have any more basic rights than what you came in with. So please don’t be affronted as if you were denied them. It sucks, and I prefer to not key my card too. But rules are rules. and you can’t be shaming and shitting on humans for trying to do the best at their job and get through their day
Anyways the elevator ride was quite long and the woman continues on saying things like “I don’t like her, she always had a bitchy face”.
I find it horrible to see women to this day, my age and over judging other women based on how they look, or what they wear. Often times you see us doing this to compensate for our personal insecurities, to qualify our behaviors and actions, and our propensity to want to stay in control.
What if this girl has a bitchy face?
She could be the kindest person you know.
What if she’s dressed in a way that looks affected and crazy for you?
She could be the most down to earth, low-maintenance woman you know
What if she’s curt?
She could just be trying to do the best at her job, not get in trouble, and get through her day.
But would you even care to know?
My mind is FIRE right now having heard this beautiful woman with a beautiful dog saying such ugly words. It corrected my own previous actions when I’ve lashed out too from lack of sleep, stress, or just a present unhappiness in my situation. when I had 0 patience. on people who don’t deserve it.
Every day I live seems to be another day of realizing just how capable I am and you are of being infinitely loving and infinitely cruel.
It’s an onus on us to be taking what we see, what we hear, and what we do, through feedback loops via careful introspection and folks we trust, and learning to see the kind of people we really are– then we must work to repurpose all this ugliness back into this world in way that is more beautiful, refined, correct, and loving.
That is my hope.
Leaving this here.