Seen on October 3, 2018, opening day.
Seen on October 3, 2018, opening day.
I see you
Want to tell you
You know I don’t know
Who am I to say if it will all be okay, in the way you want it to be
I just want everything for you to be
is all I really mean to say.
Their eyes trail slowly down the length of this body
They see in
#astanleyknife #slashes #luciofontana #human
If you were to cut my natural emotions open
You’d probably see something akin to an ocean the likes of something you see in stories of shipwrecks and storms.
Wild, stormy, deep– so good deep, but also really cray cray volatile deep
When something good enters my life
That violent hum in me turns into a gentle stream with the occasional sound of tiny rocks dropping.
That’s when I register something is good for me.
I feel the change in my being, quite radically, and naturally.
It happens with certain activities, and with certain people.
Listening to beautiful music
This person that makes me laugh & smile so much.
Some call this security. Some call it love. I call it something closer to peace.
I think equal to love I seek peace.
For me, they go hand in hand.
And so I keep these close.
There is restlessness in everyone, I’m coming to find.
Don’t we all yearn to rid ourselves of it entirely?
When in Jesus this ocean in me goes completely still.
I’m beginning to understand.
Saturday, February 9, 2019
Qualifiers and sorrys
I utter them as buffers to lighten the weight of the gravity of what I say
And sometimes I hesitate at words
I want to say
because I’m afraid you might walk away
but I tread onwards
to say what I mean to say
hoping you’ll be the one to say.
The Swedish word for gender equality.
The dream is to get paid to think. Or be a professor.
Family is #1. This, a close second.
Experiences of 2018
2. made life long and diverse friendships from my time in California in the summer
3. tested myself as the CEO of my own company– and dealt with and am continuing to deal with the everyday prospect of rejection and personal rejection and observing myself responding to and living these moments, well, or not so well.
4. saw the fruit of my strong relationships with the women in my life
5. revealed a personal long term trauma of mine from childhood to a room of 60+ colleagues and strangers > which unintentionally sparked a wonderful and effective road to recovery, healing, closure, and peace in my life. It was a mixture of owning the experience and being of the age and emotional maturity to really own it. I’ve talked about this trauma to other people before and when I was younger, but I was never “there” emotionally and mentally to free myself from the burden of my experience. This time, it seems I was.
6. actively sought to support, pray for, and aid the people in my life and colleagues I met once or more than a couple times through my work.
7. experienced very little depressive thinking and anxiety
8. had the opportunity to travel and experience the most wonderful new things nearly every month
9. lots of family loss and pain because of health problems + dealing with the painful history my immediate family shares.
10. learned to love my body and myself even more. Not over exceedingly. Just accurately.
11. practiced killing my pride and the areas of my close-mindedness
12. Experienced both the bliss and fortitude of not comparing myself to anyone and the pain of putting myself down or making myself insecure by comparing myself to others throughout intermittent months
Goals of 2019
1. Be a better listener. More actionably, stop interrupting and learn to put pen to paper if my thoughts keep overruling my desire to listen to the other and overwhelming my head and tempt me to interrupt conversation.
Enforce the mindset that a conversation with ANYONE = a precious time to show my appreciation for and understanding of them through LISTENING – action.
2. Stop my pattern of mumbling.
3. Last year to become fluent in French
Take it as a black or white scenario. Winner takes all.
(This kind of harsh mentality might not work for everyone, but I’ve found that for me, when I deal with mental absolutes when setting expectations for myself, I end with half or half + the expectations I set myself. )
4. Be increasingly there for my family members, H, W, J, and J while keeping boundaries for the life and identity that I am uniquely constructing for myself on my own terms.
5. Learn how to say NO – two reasons – 1. protect my wellbeing, and my limited energy (if I keep saying yes, I’ll run myself to the ground) and 2. check bullshit from others as the first sentence is uttered or written. Find a way to stay kind and respond or ignore messages without feeling guilty and without bile to people who seek to take or have an agenda that is not wise or in service to you or others?, or… I feel like there is a wiser way of going about this. But I haven’t come to the answer yet.
6. Have ATEM succeed
7. Work better to protect the marginalized and misunderstood, particularly those with issues I am personally passionate about:
8. Visit my mom in Korea
9. Go back to France. 🙂
10. Find a new system to reincorporate an optimal rate of reading and doing/seeing art (things I love) as I continue to build ATEM – system I continued into 2018 with and worked with throughout the year doesn’t work anymore due to the immense time suck I’ve had with my personal time due to work demands and stress (stress, because when super drained, it is hard to read, even if you do have that hour).