Morning Meditations: In Relation To the Body – Catharsis

This a photo I’m proud of.

I’m proud of it because as unremarkable as it looks, it speaks of progress to me.

This is me after 9 months of regular exercise to make my body comprehensively stronger internally and outwardly. Thank you Equinox. Despite the nature of my body shape, despite my natural predisposition of not being able to do rigorous exercise that would probably help with gains due to my osteoporosis, despite my love!! for running/aerobic activities, which kills a lot of the muscle I start gaining!), I see a visually “stronger” me :).

It’s fundamentally hard to tone up a body that’s shaped like mine.

By nature the qualities of the ballerina, model, or thin waif are easily ascribed to my body type.

Harder it is to fit into the physical mold of strong build, athletic, and what else.

Disclaimer: Objectively, I believe one body type is not better than the other: Both categories, when natural and well kept are healthy.

Recently, and out of personal preference. I’ve wanted to fit the latter definition of healthy. To me right now and in my season, healthy is being strong and looking outwardly strong. And I’ve started associating that in one part as having musculature tone.

I’ve never looked outwardly strong, even though I’m inwardly strong [now], and it’s brought me unwelcome experiences and advances, things that have left marks since I was in late high school, which required healing.

Even though I’m close to truly healed– empowered from those experiences comprehensively, these personal stories spurred in me a desire to just want to look physical appearance-wise strong-healthy. (I also suppose somewhere in my head too still that people I don’t want to approach me won’t see me as weak and will instead see me as more intimidating than I’d be in my natural thin-lanky appearance state. Less creeps. Less men to scare me into regressing back into the immature-extreme bias mentality that men are scary).

It’s hard to make a natural body of straight lines to turn into one of visible curves and muscle. It’s as if I’m forcing my body into submission with my willpower. And it’s a constant battle to force a strong-headed, stubborn, unwilling body type into submission, haha.

It’s a good feeling. This part of this season of mine. Getting stronger in this way. A catharsis if I attempt to express.

So this is a photo that celebrates my journey towards that.


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