I am a music fanatic
That’s also why I dated music producers I probably shouldn’t have dated
- no attraction to their manhood
- no centered alignment in thinking or in values
If not for my strong attraction to their musical/artistic genius.
They were all very kind though.
I remember crossing the crosswalk one time ahead of my family and collapsing from a seizure mid-crosswalk. I remember a Shoprite in front of me and it was daytime. Was it in the 10th grade? Maybe the 11th? It was sometime in high school.
My dad was a bit behind – he ran to get hold of me. I remember J* didn’t get what was going on or she was slow to react.
Everything was moving by so slowly. When you have seizures things move fast and slow– it’s odd.
I was so tired as a kid trying to be normal and cool.
I was tired in university, trying to be normal and fit in.
I was tired my first year out of college trying to be normal and pretend I was interested in the same things or match the personality people expected in me when they judged my looks.
I am not.
I am weird. Odd. I get shy. I like to bellow out songs when I get to visiting my family all day long. I go mute when I visit family and just play the piano and live in my head for hours on end. I can’t do all this music stuff now because I live in a tiny apartment in New York with sensitive neighbors. I substitute this itch to express and to be artistic with painting now and with my Instagram :).
Out of the norm.
My interests fall out of the norm. My body is out of the norm. My heart’s a little more naive and childlike for a 26 year old. I had a hard time being confrontational with everyone about my needs, my boundaries, outside my sisters and parents until I hit 25.
And that is okay.
Today I am so much more at peace being who I am, meeting people as I am, and meeting myself where I am.
I move forward in harmony and full homeostasis now. I know where I am weak in. I know where I am strong in. I know where my hopes lie, and I know where my soul rests.
July 18, 2019